It Takes Time For The Table To Turn

I’m eating a salty vanilla chocolate fudge ice cream cone topped with peanut.. –Sigh- I hate it. When are things going to taste sweeter. We only live till we die. But we don’t know when that is. Therefore we need to live our life to the max. It takes time but the table needs to turn soon. All the little things here are making my heart weep.

I went to the hospital yesterday. The girl I’m with have a kid that I didn’t know about. Her baby girl is 9 yrs old and looks extremely healthy but inside she’s delicate. Her white blood cells are replicating faster than her red blood cells they say. I didn’t know how to talk to her mother about it. What I mean is that I’m a drastically awful speaker when it comes to emotional talk. Pouring my emotions out is not as simple as reciting the ABC’s. Emotional talk is like a foreign language to me. Hard to speak and to understand, yet I don’t want to learn it. So I just sat there quietly with her mother as she spoke and poured her heart out to me. I’ll have to say it’s not the most comfortable feeling. But eh, I couldn’t really do anything.

I also adopted a new friend. I call him Jolly. I guess I got him because his belly read “have a good day.” I probably need the reminder. Don’t know why I do. Too tired to think now. I need a snack. I might go night walking in search of some. I'm going to turn this table myself.

P.S. They don’t have ice cream mochi here!

~Hearts, Hugs, & LOLs

<3

A Mirrored World

They say they want to see a blanket of snow. They say they want to see skyscrapers. They say they want to see how I live on the other side of the world. But they don’t understand that the other side means the opposite. It’s hard living an opposite life. But it’s super interesting to see how things are played out. The driver’s side is on the right side. The driving street is on the left side. Homes are not made out of bricks but straws. Eating a meal means eating near the dirt floor. Dogs aren’t treated as pets. Children are never being watched. An unknown foreign language is spoken. Mountains and landscapes of forest is all I see. Living this life, I wander if they get tired of it at times. Or if sadness ever creep up to their eyes sometimes.

I’m not saying life is sad here. It just looks difficult; hard for someone who’s seen another world to cope with. They live a very peaceful life. Worry free of paying bills, or concerning when the next paycheck will come to buy groceries. But one thing for certain is that they work for what they get only. No matter how old or young you are, you are given some sort of labor to do. I saw a lady walking on the side of a dirt road a few days ago with about ten pieces of logs latched on to her back. She was about 70 years old. I cried inside for her. I cried inside for all the young and old ones who should not be doing this at all. But this is there life and I’m guessing that’s the way it is here. It’s just I’ve grown up in a different world, seeing different things. A mirror life I would call it. There is much more differences here then can be written. This has opened my eyes wider than I had expected. This is education in itself.

P.S. I can say I’m extra lucky. Life Lesson #2: Talking to strangers can be a good thing.

<3

One Man Traveler

It’s morning here. I’m kind of exhausted from sitting in the car all day yesterday and being soaked in the sun. There are a lot of people where I’m staying at. I don’t speak the language so it’s hard. Good thing I have 2 personal translator for me ^^
The other good part is that I think the guy that’s traveling with us likes the girl that’s traveling with me, therefore he’s paying for all my meals and hotel stays. Lucky huh?? Don’t have to waste much money or I’ll be dead broke when I get to South Korea. I’ve also realized that when you’re on your own you start to see the little flaws about yourself as well. I see things that I need to fix. One thing is my desires and temptations. I need to limit myself and be aware of what I want and what I need. When to say no, and when to say hell no. I’ve only thought of this recently, but I don’t think I can be a 1 man traveler. Just not my style. I think it’ll be too lonely, and the feeling drags me down. Traveling with someone you know like family or friends would be much more exciting. It could be i’m still homesick and need to adjust a little. Whatever it is I need to fix it quick. I don’t talk much too. My hmong is not that great, and I don’t want them to know too much about me. Knowing too much about someone can get troublesome. I’m a hard egg to crack. I can’t even crack myself.

P.S. Maybe free falling wasn’t such a good idea

Life is Unrehearsed

Nothing much to say. I can't sleep. Let's just say these past few days have been....interesting...

Thailand is a very busy, yet chilled place. I've experienced a few situations where it left me wanting to replay it over again so I can maybe do it correctly. But what is done is done. There is no time machine to turn scenes in life around. I just don't want to live life chasing regrets. Thats the thing about life. You've always have to be prepared, always have to be on your feet, always have to bring your A game. This is probably why we need a break, living can get exhausting.

I want to put my all into this experience, yet I don't know what's stopping me.

I really like this quote because I'm not a very careful person:

"You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there." ~Yogi Berra

I don't know what's ahead, life is unrehearsed. That's why the test always comes first before the lesson in life does. True fact. It's a little terrifying but what can you do.  

And right now I'm playing everything out by ear. Diving into black water, not knowing how deep it is.

But how many chances like this is ever going to come my way? I need to live a little. I'm carving my own path with a blind fold on. It's now or never.

P.S. Life lesson #1: Only drink bottled water

~ Hearts, Hugs, & LOLs

<3

Airport Luck

So these past 3 days I’ve either been on the airplane or at the airport. And there are a lot of down times. From Minneapolis to Denver to L.A. to Seoul to Beijing to Bangkok, gosh I’m exhausted… Not only that but I’m also carrying some luggage with me. I should of packed lighter. From Minneapolis to Denver wasn’t that much of a trouble, The 1 hour flight went by quick cause I slept through it all. From Denver to L.A, I set next to a guy from Nebraska, who was visiting his grandma. Nice guy. We started talking about how our seating sucked. And it literally did. While others had television screens to entertain them, we sat looking at an empty wall. Worse part is that it was the back wall to the bathroom. I know… well his name was Zack, gave me a strawberry granola bar and from there we went our seperate ways.

Everything went down hill from there…

I couldn’t find my gate in LAX to Seoul! I swear I asked 4 different people until an old kind lady showed me a map. It was a 20-30 mins walk outside she said, or I can wait for the bus shuttle to take me. I wasn’t about to take my chances on waiting for a bus to come. So I ran. My friend Denny called while I was in panic mode. Gosh, good times huh. I got to the gate and how ironic is this. The security check-in line was filled all the way to the door with ASIANS!! Lucky enough I got on my flight to Seoul ^^. But when I got to Seoul, I had to wait 10 hrs till my flight to Bangkok, Thailand. I decided to stay up and not sleep. Thank goodness for wireless internet. The only problem was I needed to charge my laptop. I walked around looking for an outlet adaptor. Everyone spoke to me in Korean. I don’t look Korean!!! This old lady came up to talk to me, I told her “Sorry, I’m not Korean, I don’t understand.” She paused, looked at me for a second, and started talking to me in Korean again. I sat there till she was done talking to me. Anyways, I randomly bought one and it kind of worked. I roamed the Icheon Airport till 7am in the morning. Time to board my flight to Beijing! This time I was happy cause I finally got the window seat! Then 5 mins later, a fat old Chinese guy came and sat next to me. Turns out, he needs A LOT of space. He took my arm space, kept rubbing against my leg, and smelled like smoke. I had to deal with that for an hour. I also found out that looking outside the airplane window made me feel nausea. Got to Beijing and rode “Fairy Buses” lol. But when I finally got to Bangkok, I couldn’t find the person that was suppose to pick me up. I was a little freaked for awhile. kept walking and walking around. Spotted her finally. No more airport troubles! At least not for awhile. Can you move a girls heart Thailand?

P.S. I just saw a cockroach!!! <3 

Flight OZ 201

January 24, 2011

I really wanted to post something before I left for the airport, but couldn’t find the time to do it. So I’m on the flight to South Korea as I’m writing this in a word document. Apparently, there is no wireless internet on this plane.. sad day I know. But I’m improvising and making the best of it.

So far, all I did was sleep at the airport, starved at the airport, met a stranger on the L.A. flight who gave me a strawberry granola bar, and cried my eyes dry on the plane thinking about home and watching a very special video made by a very special friend. And was ALMOST late for my flight to Seoul. That would have been bad. I swear I was panicing like no other. Asking people left to right, then having to wait in line at the security check in for almost two hours, I seriously thought I was not going to make it on time for my flight. Lucky enough, a security lady decided to open a little passage for 10 people and it just happened that I was one of the 10 lucky ones to pass. Not only that but when I ran and got to the gate, there was a 15 minute delay time on my boarding flight. Call it luck or whatever you want, I’m just damn happy I made it on to this flight Let’s just hope I won’t be having trouble with the next transfer to Bangkok, Thailand. But where am I going to sleep during that 12 hour wait time?? crap.... I'm out of my comfort zone....

Rewinding back to before I started my trip.

Some one told me they wanted me to have more courage. For my heart to adventure deeper into the abyss. I didn’t know how I would do that, or what that actually meant. Turns out, I needed more courage to say goodbye to those at home. I was not able to say bye and keep walking forward without turning back. Nor was I able to say bye with a smile on my face without tears pouring down my cheeks. It takes a lot of courage to not  cry, take a few more glances, or let go of a hug when saying goodbye, at least for me it was tough. I’m just a super cry baby. I’ve never cried this much since I don’t know when. Maybe the bonds between my friends and family is stronger than I thought it really was. 10 days ago I wasn’t feeling any sort of excitement or emotions, I can’t say the same now. It really was the calm before the storm. Cause now the only thing I do when I think about home is tear up. Very frustrating I know. I’ve tried to smile instead, yet these tears keep escaping and leaking out like a crack in a barrel.

But I am already on my way, on this road to paradise. Doing some things I’ve never dreamed of doing. I am doing this in hopes that I can find myself. Find who Paxia really is. I want to do things on my own with out a helping hand to guide me or knowing that there is someone there to break my fall. To see how far I can go with only me helping myself is something I want to undertake. Maybe sort some things in my heart and head on the way as well. And at the end of it all, I hope I can be a stronger person, internally and externally. I got miles to go, im not ready, but I know I can do it. I guess it's only when you're by yourself that you start thinking about things you'll never imagine you'll ever think about. What you really live for, why you do the things you do, and how you're going to approach life head on. Oh the struggles. Breathe. Just take a deep breath. Actually, take a few deep breaths Paxia. Battling with yourself is hard. 

P.S. When I find myself I'll come back home. Either way, I'll be back haha (July 7th baby)

P.S.S. Thanks for calling me during my panic time DENNY!!

~ Hearts, Hugs, and LOLs <3

The Never Ending Goodbyes

More Goodbyes.... "I'm glad I met you." "Have a safe trip." "Are you ready?" "The plane is leaving whether you're ready or not." "We'll miss you." "Can I give you a hug?" haha oh the dorks in my life.....

Yes, goodbyes are sad.. But I've come to understand that goodbyes are a bitter sweet thing. We say goodbye to those close to our hearts, those who we've shared amazing memories with, those who's lives we've impacted, and those we call friends and family. Goodbyes happens between people who love and care about each other, yeah? That's probably the reason why goodbyes are so so so horrifically tough to do. It's heartbreaking, yet it brings a smile to your face because you know they do care.

This has helped me understand and reflect on myself a little. How much I, as an individual, can alter and influence other's life. See, I've only met this person 3 days ago and she's someone I would call a friend, cause saying goodbye was bittersweet.
ME: "Doin' what a girl's got to do"
FRIEND: "Apparently this girl's gotta go to South Korea! What is THAT. Shoot. Haha... you best have the time of your life, Paxia! Otherwise the pain and separation anxiety that the rest of us have to endure will be for nothing."
(She's a sweet girl right? ^^)

Say I'm a sappy person for maybe going over board on this goodbye stuff, but just imagine going from having so many caring people around you to just only you.... all by yourself... Scary thought right?? Eh- Guess I need a little growing up to do ^^ This trip will definitely help... hopefully.. haha

P.S. 2 more days world, don't know if I can handle anymore goodbyes.
Hearts, Hugs, and LOLs
<3

It's Almost Time

At HEAVENLY DAZE CAFE after a good morning workout with the best Chai Latte in hand and radio music in the background. "Let go of your heart, Let go of your head, feel it now.... babylon.." This is the most relax I've been in awhile, and I love it. A great time to just sit back and not think about the past or the future, but only about the "now".

With only a few days left before I leave for South Korea I'm doing a lot of thinking. Reminiscing the past and envisioning the future. Never taking the time to understand and inspect the present. I contemplate about what should of been, what could of been, what would of been, what is going to happen, and what will happen. Sitting in this Cafe, I realize that I need to take some brief moments and examine, notice, witness, and take a few glimpse at what is happening this very second of my life and cherish it. I need to have more " this is happening," when I think about myself. This might just be me, but I think I'm feeling the side affects of going abroad already.
Four more days world!!

P.S. It's almost time, why do I feel like I need another week to prepare myself... <3

When a door closes, another opens.

"You must be so excited to go abroad!" Everyone; my coworkers, my family, and my friends. I've literally heard this at least once in every conversation I have every day. There is no excitement at all, to say the least. I know that by now I should be hyped about this trip, considering the fact that I'll be getting on an airplane and flying 6240 miles to South Korea in 10 days. This will be my first time abroad, in a country I've only seen and heard of, so shouldn't I be excited? Wasn't I excited? I'm not saying I'm bummed out about going or anything. I'm also not saying I don't want to go and explore what I've only seen in pages of books. I just thought there were more excitement to it then.... this.

It really could just be the fact that I haven't packed anything yet.... I tell myself that a lot. Then again, I've also come to realize that maybe I don't want to face the fact that I'm going to be leaving everything here at home behind. Worry that people will make memories without me, worry that when I come back things will be different, worry that my existence will be forever forgotten. Is change what i'm really scared of??

Saying goodbye have never been harder. Even though I know that I'll be back in a short number of months, goodbyes are just not the favorite things on my list to do. Feeling emotionally abominable everytime I give a hug, and hiding the hurt that I feel deep inside with a fraudulent smile. It's tiring to always put on a smile when inside it's the complete opposite. People say goodbye doesn't mean forever, yet they don't know that sometimes there are exceptions...

Maybe I'm over thinking things. Going abroad is an opportunity that I made for myself. I've already come thus far, and the only thing left to do is throw everything into a suitcase and get on the plane. I know that some people will forget me, some will not. It's only then that I will really know who matters in my life, people worth keeping close to my heart. As far as memories go, I'll be making some amazing stories of my own. Yet, I don't know anything for sure until it happens. One thing I know is that, I am closing this door, the door with the label 'Home' on it. And this new door that I'm about to turn the knob to.......I'll just let everything free fall into place.

P.S. I hope the walk between these two doors will not be too painful <3